I shudder each time I hear “fail fast”. Words are gold – precious and not to be taken
lightly. Honour your words. Failing is not an Olympic sport. It’s not as easy as
it looks when you crash into the boards, fall on the slopes, turn an ankle and
then dust yourself off, pick yourself up, and forge ahead and sometimes limp to
the finish line.
MsBizWiz
If I’m not mistaken, “fail
fast” means to not dwell but to iterate, rapid prototype, A/B test, push
boundaries, be daring, be courageous, be bold until you find a solution, an
answer, a way to cross the “finish line”. Failing hurts. We don’t live in the
hope we fail, do we?
Bianca Andreescu, our Canadian tennis phenom, prepares for
her matches with visualization and meditation. “Working your mind (is
important) because at this level everyone knows how to play tennis. The thing
that separates the best from the rest is just the mindset.”
My Top Ten+ Losses and Gains (not in any order of importance):
Loss of Country – Embrace the World.
Loss of Home – Know how “home” truly feels.
Loss of Job – Know work is not your worth.
Loss of Career – Gain creativity.
Loss of best friend – Gain acceptance.
Loss of spouse – Know truth.
Loss of all possessions – Know peace.
Loss of mind – Gain self-compassion.
Loss of confidence – Gain courage.
Loss of sibling – Gain acceptance.
Loss of health – Gain patience.
Loss of business – Gain perspective.
MsBizWiz Thumbs Up
Every loss and gain effects change. Through the lenses of loss, we endure, grow, and become more humane and maybe even more human. As we say good-bye to 2019 and position ourselves for a new year, a new decade, learn, learn fast. Listen, listen attentively. Lead, lead authentically and dream a little dream.
Last Friday night, we were three women left standing,
or dare I say, “swimming” in our community centre’s pool out of twelve who had
started in “Older Adult Swim One” (very tentative beginners) nine weeks ago.
Like a wet bathing suit, my fear of water still
clung to me. But that night, it felt different. The water was warm, almost
inviting after coming out of the cold. The pool was all ours. The other classes
finished a week earlier. So peaceful, so calm, and under the watchful eye of
Andrew, our Gen Z instructor, we got to practice on anything we wanted.
We all tread water for awhile, arms and legs going
off in all directions, different speeds, awkward motions with our life jackets
on until we tired out.
Then while the others were swimming, I tried to float
(again) on my back. I tried everything during these nine Friday lessons.
Missing a few didn’t help. I floated with the noodle, that lengthy lifeline.
I tried to float without the noodle still gripping
tightly to the pool edge with one hand and then letting go. I tried
visualization but this jack knife pose sunk me. I tried positive self talk but I
had too much on my mind. I tried to relax but I kept breathing at the wrong time
so that water kept going up my nose.
Then I stopped trying so hard and resorted to a
silent prayer. “Please if there is a God, let me float even for 2 seconds.” I let
go of the edge and I finally felt this odd sensation for first 2 seconds,
then again for 3 seconds. Was this floating? I could hear cheers from my swim-mates
and Andrew. “You did it!” I did? I did! Funny how moving towards your goal can
feel so empowering and motivating even for two seconds. I walked out of the
pool wondering when I could get back in again to experiment and try again.
My Swim Report Card
I did jump into the deep end!
Our “report cards” were displayed on the table as we exited. We should have given Andrew a medal for bravery. He survived teaching adults for the first time. My swim mates perfected their kicking and gliding. We all had our small victories. But as in all victories, it is the journey we revel and relish. We started out as strangers, four generations – Gen X, Y, Z plus Boomer, as equals in a learning environment that made us braver, friendlier, and kinder. #whenweallwinweallwin
I would like to spend the rest of my life creating social experiments, the simpler, the more powerful. Take for example, the social experiment by Daniel Pink. He quickly captured the attention of the graduating Class of 2016 at Georgetown University . It only took 20 seconds but it was unforgettable.
Inspired, I created my own social experiment although it is still taking shape even after 2 years. After teaching my first networking workshop in July 2017, our twelve adult learners decided they wanted to stay connected to one another. So I asked them if they would like to me to give them a “challenge” to complete and we would compare notes in a follow up meet up in six weeks which they agreed.
And although they leaned more towards introversion and didn’t know one another, they seemed to genuinely like one another. I often wondered what would happen if we threw together people randomly. What ideas would form? What types of conversations would emerge? Would they be able to build new relationships after a casual meet up? Would there be friendships formed, mentorship opportunities matched, even a little romance perhaps? I hope. Fingers crossed.
Random collisions
It’s been an exciting, this experiential learning. We’re still tweaking our format but after 14 Drop Ins, we’ve come accustomed to the random pairing of people, at times supported with prompt questions which are sent beforehand. I can observe and detect the range of emotions in their body language and facial expressions each time I approach a pair to ask if they are ready to switch partners. Everyone meets at least 4 -6 new people by the end of the evening.
Dream Network
Our Dream Networkers are courageous, compassionate, and caring people. Yoda would be proud as they “do or do not. (They know) there’s no try.” I also learn a lot from everyone. Meeting new people is not easy. We are vulnerable and manage a lot of different fears and anxiety. But once we realize our fear is exaggerated, then it becomes easier to face. When we visualize the best scenario, we’re energized and motivated to face our fears. And each time we meet someone new, we begin to trust ourselves a little more and gradually, we become more calm and confident and then we look for ways to help others. It’s like a dream and then becomes a reality.
Ask Rondae Hollis-Jefferson who, while being a member of the Toronto Raptors’ bench, played his heart out last week during their recent road trip out West. With four out of the eight-man rotation on the injury list, Coach Nick Nurse tapped “RHJ” and he made damn sure he optimized his opportunity to show his true mettle as a primary defender. He knew that this opportunity may never pass his way again and he was hungry, very hungry, and impressed the heck out of #wethenorth.
Hunger Hurts, Helps, and Heals
Last week I received a note from a young entrepreneur and mentee in Paris. We first met in 2016 at a Toronto networking event hosted by a not-for-profit helping young entrepreneurs on exchange from France. At that time, he was about to launch an app for children’s entertainment, think “Dora the Explorer”. His eyes shone with steely determination and his words showed a humility rarely found in others. Since my niece and I would be in Paris the following Spring, we made plans to meet. But we didn’t connect. Surprisingly he cancelled very last minute which made me concerned enough to alert the not-for-profit’s liaison who thankfully followed up with him. I learned later of his modest background and his continuing struggle to meet his basic needs.
He reconnected about six months later and against many odds he managed to rise above it all and found contract work as a production assistant with a Paris-based luxury brand, a testament to his talent, courage, and resilience. Today he is working on his portfolio to work in TV animation. He channels his hunger to fuel a motivation in the same way our Toronto Raptor, Rondae Hollis-Jefferson.
Stay Hungry?
Then there are those who are in creative and precarious occupations usually with a strong entrepreneurial mindset. It’s not always Eggs Benedict on the menu. Peanut butter combo sandwiches – with strawberry jam, bananas, and/or Nutella – were a favourite of a now well-respected entrepreneur in the health and beauty sector. The irony is not lost. Popcorn, three-minute noodles, and “orange cheese” were also memorable among other entrepreneurs I’ve interviewed. Whether you’re in the NBA, in Paris, or in the kitchen making PB sandwiches, staying hungry is not an option.
So when the inimitable Steve Jobs once told us to “Stay hungry!”, he meant to never be satisfied and always push yourself. But I wonder if he knew the other side of hunger. Just some food for thought. #MotivationMonday
We’re not dead. Yet. My student and I were walking when
suddenly a young person approached us from behind with a question, “What’s a
boomer?”
He had eavesdropped on our discussion about technology and its impact on Boomers. He doesn’t know? Ouch!
“Ask your parents … or maybe your grandparents.” I winced. “Boomers” is another cohort like “Millennials” or “Gen Zers”. Got it?”
He nodded, “I had no idea.”
We’re not dead yet. Or are we? I started to wonder. From his perspective, we’ve already left and forgot to close the door on our way out. Not so fast. Here’s what the experts say:
On Perspective
Daniel H. Pink is the author of best-selling business books about motivation and sales: “Drive”, “To Sell is Human” and “When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing. His TED Talk on motivation has more than 20 million views.
Pink cautions us at the end of his social experiment that as we grow in our career, we gain more power and we tend to lose our perspective-taking ability. We should argue like we’re right but listen like we’re wrong. And don’t believe we’re the smartest person in the room because we’ve just shown that we’re not.
Valuing the differences is the essence of synergy-the mental, the emotional, the psychological differences between people. And the key to valuing those differences is to realize all people see the world, not as it is, but as they are.” ~ Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
“The world urgently needs more grace.” Ms. Claire M. C. Kennedy, Chair of the Governing Council of the University of Toronto as she addressed the convocation yesterday at University of St. Michael’s College.
On Empathy
Standing in the queue at the grocery store Friday night, a young woman in front of me turned and said she knew me. We met last year at ICA’s “Idea Summit” on inclusivity, diversity, and equity. We swapped stories about our fear of water and swimming. She has her Swim 1 and 2. I’m still at Swim 0. She offered invaluable insights, tips, and her perspective on how she overcame her fear. Inspired, I thanked her and what do you know, her name is “Grace”! “The world urgently needs more grace.”
I have a deep appreciation of art but I cannot draw, not even a crooked line, so I took an art sampler from the Art Gallery of Ontario. In one afternoon, our dedicated instructors took us through the painful steps of beginner sculpting, printmaking, drawing, and water colour painting.
Auguste Rodin – The Cathedral
Moving from station to station, we gathered our mini-art projects and I wondered if mine deserved fridge magnets but sadly, no. However, I managed to sharpen my perspective-taking ability especially during sculpting. My struggle to mold and shape the clay into an egg helped me appreciate all the labour that Auguste (Rodin) must have expended to achieve mastery.
On Kindness
George Sanders teaches creative writing at Syracuse University. His debut novel “Lincoln in the Bardo” won the 2017 Man Booker Prize. He is included in Time list of the one hundred most influential people in the world.
In “Congratulations … By the Way – Some thoughts on Kindness” based on his Class of 2013 convocation address at his university, Professor Saunders shares a poignant story about a new kid named “Ellen” in his 7th Grade and why to this day, he still remembers her.
Some thoughts on Kindness for Graduates
He also asks:
“Why aren’t we kinder?
Apparently we have three “built-in confusions”:
“We’re central to our universe.” Our story is the only story that matters.
“We’re separate from the universe.” – There’s “Us” and then the rest of them.
“We’re permanent.” – You’re going to die but I’m not me.
2. “How do we become kinder?”
Professor Saunders: “Kindness is hard. … Becoming kinder happens naturally with age. As we get older, we come to see how useless it is to be selfish… We get our butts kicked and people come to the rescue and we’re not that separate and we don’t want to be. Most people, as they age, become less selfish and more loving.” Right, Boomers?
I’ll admit I am full of envy whenever I’m talking to someone half my age. They have so much more ahead of them, so many opportunities, and so many days left. I remind them how fortunate they are. Time is on their side. George Saunders (and I) want them to know that “your life is going to be a gradual process of becoming kinder and more loving: Hurry up. Speed it along. Start right now.”
A swim in
the pool is no walk in the park especially when you’re absolutely terrified of
water.
Be Fearless – Mind over Matter
Fear has staked a claim in my mind the size of an Olympic swimming pool. Oddly I’ve snorkeled in Cuba and Bali, shot the noisy rapids in Stanley Mission, Northern Saskatchewan, punted leisurely along the River Thames in Oxford, sailed on a Hobie Cat off the coast of Zanzibar, water-skied in hippo-inhabited Lake Kariba, Zambia, and splashed about in a swimming pool in Sulawesi. Clearly there’s a huge disconnect – what I fear, how I think, and what I do -but fear is fear.
Mine is a life long fear I haven’t yet controlled as it has taken up long term residence in my mind. But I’m ready now for transformation and here are three lessons I’ve learned along the way:
Lifesaving Lesson No. 1 – Don’t go from zero to hero! Find cheerleaders.
Registration for Adult Swim Level 1 at our recently renovated community center pool was imminent and at a very reasonable cost. I could hear my Mom reminding me, “Remember, you get what you pay for.” I registered.
As I snapped my brilliant orange flotation belt snugly around my waist, I suspected that the real price I was about to pay was much higher as I slid into the pool and my life flashed before me. I clung vise-like to the edge of the pool, to the rope that separated the lanes, to my instructor’s arm, to anything and anyone within reach.
But when the water began to worm its way into my ears, my heartbeat rose rapidly from 60 to 600. Panic! I cannot see. My eyes are shut so tight that I cannot hear. I’m going deaf, too? Is this possible?
The water wound its way up my nose and into my goggles. Now my eyes are swimming but not me. I’ve stopped breathing. I sputtered. I choked. “I am a rock.” Simon & Garfunkel are in the pool, too? My heart sunk as does my body. I’ve failed. Again.
These damn goggles were so tight and any common sense I once had have now been squeezed out. Flipping my goggles up and down, up and down, and my fingers like windshield wipers, swiping i\intermittently in and out, in and out, all resolve has faded away. My classmates’ arms and legs turned into windmills whipping about and now the water has transformed into tsunamis. Time to declare a state of emergency. But they don’t.
Suddenly I heard The Marvelous Ms. M! “Jean! Bend your knees. Go on. Slightly bend your knees first. Then tilt your head back. Relax. Breathe. Feel the water around your ears, your face. Then let go.” Really? Is that all there is to it? I can do this.
And I did … if only for ONE long second. Discouraged, I wanted to quit but my cheerleader, The Marvelous Ms. M, wouldn’t let me and that is how I found myself one week later, muttering, “Make friends with the water.”
Lifesaving Lesson No. 2 – Have a positive mental attitude. Make friends with Fear.
Changing one’s mindset is no mean feat but my mantra “Make friends with the water” stuck with me as I walked to the pool last Friday. Smile. Positive mental attitude. Shake hands with the water. Tame the water dragon wreaking havoc within me. I told myself as I would tell my networking students: “Be like Yoda. Be fearless!”
I summoned all the courage I had. I set an intention. I prepared for a realistic outcome. Remember Lesson No. 1 – don’t be a hero. Just get used to the feel of the water. I don’t have to float on my back … not just yet. Let the water fall around my ears and on my face. It doesn’t feel too bad. Breathe out and not in especially while under water. Repeat my key words – relax, calm, gentle. Breathe. Believe.
Our young instructor handed out weighted colourful rings to be dropped to the bottom of the pool for us to retrieve. Do I have to keep my eyes open? The Marvelous Ms. M laughed. “You’re hilarious!”It was messy but I did it 3 times. It didn’t look pretty because the belt kept me bobbing while grabbing. And I still haven’t learned how to laugh under water yet.
Time to float on our backs. I could see my key words floating above my head. I still have the belt on. We flip over to float on our stomachs and I heard The Marvelous Ms. M say my name. I stood up and shouted, “I must still be alive because I heard you!” Everyone laughed. I relaxed.
Next up was the flutter kick. Grip the mini “surfboard”. Try not to leave indentations. Kick kick kick. I have squash legs. No problem. I yelled over to The Marvelous Ms. M. “I’m a duck!” What fun until I swallowed some water after I said “duck” and inhaled more water through my nose. What the … duck?
We move to the edge of the pool, shallow end, of course. Pushing off on our side with one arm extended, resting on our “surfboard”, we flutter kicked on our side. More bobbing with my belt and I started to roll as if I was in a kayak. Not pretty again but I’m not ready to part with my belt…not yet.
Our instructor wanted us to try swimming “free style”. He has already forgotten. Some of us still can’t float, flutter kick, nor glide. His voice is calm and soothing. Maybe he can hypnotize me as he shows us how to keep our faces in the water. I can do this. VERY important – don’t breathe in. Straight knees and kick kick kick. But what do I do with my arms? Pretend you’re Michael Phelps, he grinned. My ears must be clogged. “Michael Phelps? Where?” He added, “And did you know your arms don’t move at the same speed as your legs?” Really? No kidding. How do we know what we don’t know?
The final few minutes we learned the do’s and don’ts of wearing a life jacket. This I thankfully know. Before we parted, my classmates agreed to reward ourselves with a glass of wine next week… incentive and positive reinforcement, this I know, too.
But before our next swim lesson, I need to and want to practice. Maybe the glass of wine is the much-needed incentive.
Lifesaving Lesson #3: Practice Practice Practice – 20 hours vs 10,000 hours – good enough or mastery?
Malcolm Gladwell wrote in his book “Outliers – The Story of Success”, “10,000 hours is the magic number to become world-class in any field.” although he also said the rule doesn’t apply to sports. Whereas in Josh Kaufman’s book “The First 20 Hours … How to Learn Anything Fast”, the author focuses on rapid skill acquisition. Our swim lessons are once a week for an hour over 9 weeks so we have two additional hours for practice.
I made it to “Leisure Swim” yesterday and logged in 20 minutes of practice. I found motivation while getting tips from the young lifeguards on duty and so empathetic, kind, and professional … AND they kept an eye on me.
One old enough to be my grandson told me to make a star so I visualized a starfish. “Arc your back!” I faltered and floundered but I kept trying. I finally found myself floating on my back, a starfish gazing into the overhead lights. I saw stars.
Am I ready now to try without the belt? It’s not as easy as it looks but I floated … for TWO long seconds. “Fill your lungs with air, Jean.” Like a balloon? He nodded. But do I hold my breath? Is that how it works? “Inhale lots of air quickly and exhale slowly.” This makes sense.
My newly adopted grandson/lifeguard reassured me that he’ll be working next weekend. Sweet! An accountability partner! And although it was fleeting, I had a small taste of victory in those two seconds. What would ten seconds feel like? Feel the fear … and do it anyway.®
