Managing Cross Generations

25 Hard-earned Lessons Learned – One soundbite at a time

photograph of a heart as a snack — Photo Credit: Russ and Reyn

In these uncertain and unprecedented times of social distancing and self-isolation, we still have so much…even toilet paper!

I don’t get it. Maybe it’s because I was born and raised in a small town, pop. 34,000 called Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada. Google it! I had it all on the prairies – big open sky, flat prairies where you can see forever, and the friendliest people in the world. Why would I leave? The answer can be found in a number of boxes.

baby in a makeshift playpen a chip box — Fulfilling a prophecy

In fact I paid a tribute to these boxes in my commencement address titled “On Boxes and Belonging” for the 2018 graduating class of internationally educated and trained professionals at Ryerson University’s The G. Raymond Chang School of Continuing Education.

Unpacking and packing these boxes meant carrying and storing hard-earned lessons learned from country to country. Learning weighs a ton so I’ve curated my top 25 hard-earned lessons learned so here you go, one soundbite at a time in random order because life is random.

Lesson 1 – Schedule time to dream. Freely.

You don’t need to be a billionaire to do it. No one can buy time. Give it a try. Time gives us creativity.

Lesson 2 – Reflection does not mean reliving the past.

My two guest speakers this week reminded me to remember and share my lessons learned…so here they are.

Lesson 3 – Mentors are everywhere.

You don’t need to always ask. You just need to listen well to find them. Be respectful and reasonable because they mentor many.

Lesson 4 – Doors always appear.

If you are present, you will see opportunities and have a choice to walk through the door or not.

Lesson 5 – Be “colour blind”. Not everyone is.

People will judge you by the way you look. Those who aren’t “colour blind”, tread carefully. Don’t let them stop you from being who you are.

Lesson 6 – Listen, always listen. Listen to both your heart and your head.

Learn to trust your instincts. If you feel queasy and uneasy, heed the red flags. But if your gut says go, then run and don’t look back.

Lesson 7 – Know what makes your parents happy.

It’s not always about you. After all, they gave you life.

Lesson 8 – Wear even walk in another person’s shoes.

Of course, they won’t always fit but only then you will know empathy.

Lesson 9 – Draw and know your line in the sand. Now.

Know in advance so when you’re asked to cross it, usually in crisis situations, you won’t hesitate and know what to do.

Lesson 10 – Know when to quit. It’s ok.

Seth Godin, Marketing Guru calls it “The Dip”. Stop when all you have is a hammer and everything starts looking like a nail.

Lesson 11 – Handle unbridled passion with care. It needs the cross and skull bones hazard label.

Don’t get burned. Passion is poison if you let loose. Be alert. Always!

Lesson 12 – The toughest battle will be the one you have with yourself.

Put pride aside so that you can put food on the table. Ask for help. Help is everywhere – open heart, open mind, and open arms.

Lesson 13 – Always be a student.

Be it washing dishes or windows, creating software or songs, look at life like a student. Don’t think you are the smartest person in the room. Learn more.

Lesson 14 – Know how to fall. Properly.

You will be caught. Get up again.

Lesson 15 – Adapt. Accept. Grow.

Nothing is forever. Unless it’s change. “Perspective is the function of experience.” ~ Brené Brown, Professor, University of Houston. Adapt to change and gain more perspective.

Lesson 16 – People can be anything but predictable.

Dig a little deeper and go beyond the surface to spot patterns in behavior. But don’t bet the farm on it. People are unpredictable.

Lesson 17 – Grace is not just a name but a virtue.

What comes with growth is grace.

Lesson 18 – Remember it takes two to tango.

When you think you have all the bases covered, especially in crucial conversations, keep finding other ways to connect and increase the probability of understanding.

Lesson 19 – Know the politics. Don’t play them.

“Be aware of politics but don’t play them.” ~ Indra Nooyi, former CEO at Pepsi. Where are the “landmines”? Find great mentors to help you avoid them.

Lesson 20 – Common sense is not common. Everyone has limits.

No one is perfect. Loyalties affect livelihood and there are limits to how much one can do to help. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Look for goodness in others.

Lesson 21 – You don’t need much to be happy.

What does happiness mean to you? Not your parents, not your spouse or partner, not your friends or your colleagues. What does happiness mean to you?

Lesson 22 – No learning is lost.

Even when you come in second. As a striver, it’s hard not to come out ahead or on top but you move on.

Lesson 23 – Don’t look away from the truth.

Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. The truth circles back so you get a second chance to learn … even a third.

Lesson 24 – The Universe will unfold as it should.

Timing is everything. Know when to go with the flow and when to course-correct.

Lesson 25 – Believe.

MLK and Thich Nhat Han — Young Martin Luther King & Thich Nhat Hanh

Believe the universe is interconnected. If you do harm, it will ripple like a pebble striking water. If you do good, it will travel the same path and last for an eternity.

“The source of love is deep in us, and we can help others realize a lot of happiness. One word, one action, or one thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring them joy. One word can give comfort and confidence, destroy doubt, help someone avoid a mistake, reconcile a conflict, or open the door to liberation. One action can save a person’s life or help him take advantage of a rare opportunity. One thought can do the same, because thoughts always lead to words and actions. If love is in our heart, every thought, word, and deed can bring about a miracle. Because understanding is the very foundation of love, words and actions that emerge from our love are always helpful.” “Peace is Every Step” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh .

Convergence

Last Friday night, we were three women left standing, or dare I say, “swimming” in our community centre’s pool out of twelve who had started in “Older Adult Swim One” (very tentative beginners) nine weeks ago.

Like a wet bathing suit, my fear of water still clung to me. But that night, it felt different. The water was warm, almost inviting after coming out of the cold. The pool was all ours. The other classes finished a week earlier. So peaceful, so calm, and under the watchful eye of Andrew, our Gen Z instructor, we got to practice on anything we wanted.

We all tread water for awhile, arms and legs going off in all directions, different speeds, awkward motions with our life jackets on until we tired out.

Then while the others were swimming, I tried to float (again) on my back. I tried everything during these nine Friday lessons. Missing a few didn’t help. I floated with the noodle, that lengthy lifeline.

I tried to float without the noodle still gripping tightly to the pool edge with one hand and then letting go. I tried visualization but this jack knife pose sunk me. I tried positive self talk but I had too much on my mind. I tried to relax but I kept breathing at the wrong time so that water kept going up my nose.

Then I stopped trying so hard and resorted to a silent prayer. “Please if there is a God, let me float even for 2 seconds.” I let go of the edge and I finally felt this odd sensation for first 2 seconds, then again for 3 seconds. Was this floating? I could hear cheers from my swim-mates and Andrew. “You did it!” I did? I did! Funny how moving towards your goal can feel so empowering and motivating even for two seconds. I walked out of the pool wondering when I could get back in again to experiment and try again.

Our “report cards” were displayed on the table as we exited. We should have given Andrew a medal for bravery. He survived teaching adults for the first time. My swim mates perfected their kicking and gliding. We all had our small victories. But as in all victories, it is the journey we revel and relish. We started out as strangers, four generations – Gen X, Y, Z plus Boomer, as equals in a learning environment that made us braver, friendlier, and kinder. #whenweallwinweallwin

OK Boomer – the meme that just won’t go away

It’s Ok. Ask a Boomer. We’re not dead. Not yet. My student and I were walking to the subway early November when suddenly a young man (evidently eavesdropping on our conversation about technology and Boomers) from behind yelled out, “What’s a boomer?”

“Excuse me, a what?” a definite sign of an aging Boomer. Is he serious? Does he really not know?

“Ask your parents … or maybe your grandparents.” I winced with one eyebrow arched while sizing up his age. “It’s a category, a demographic like you’re a Millennial or maybe a Gen Z-er. Got it?”

He nodded, “I had no idea.”

I learned later that he knew. His question was a twist on the meme, “OK Boomer”. It had been making its rounds on the Internet. OK Boomer is slang for dissing out-dated opinions coming from the Baby Boomer generation and older. It’s the opposite of “OK”. I was the one who had no idea.

Here’s a handy reference updated from last year by Mental Floss on who’s a Boomer and who’s not:

The Silent Generation: Born 1928-1945 (73-91 years old)
Baby Boomers: Born 1946-1964 (54-73 years old)
Generation X: Born 1965-1980 (38-54 years old)
Millennials: Born 1981-1996 (22-38 years old)
Gen Z – Post-Millennials: Born 1997-Present (0-22 years old)

I despair. This inter-generational warfare and anti-Boomer sentiment can be quite harsh and cruel. Andrew Ferguson, staff writer (also a Boomer) at “The Atlantic” recently published “Everyone Hates the Boomer, OK?” and informed us that while memes come and go quickly, as Boomers we’re still stuck on “OK Boomer”.

Gen Zers decided to have printed T-shirts inscribed with “OKAY BOOMER HAVE A TERRIBLE DAY.” ~ New York Times . More ill will putting our world on tilt. We need to take a step (several steps) back to get some perspective.

Perspective – What the Experts Say

Daniel H. Pink, former Vice-President, Al Gore’s speechwriter, is the author of best-selling business books about motivation and sales. Pink opened his 2016 commencement address to the graduating class of (still Millennials) at Georgetown University with his clever 20-second social experiment on perspective-taking and showed why “as we grow in our career and gain more power, we tend to lose our perspective-taking ability and to keep it in check.”

Stephen R. Covey, author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” on perspective: “Valuing the differences is the essence of synergy – the mental, the emotional, the psychological differences between people. And the key to valuing those differences is to realize that all people see the world, not as it is, but as they are.”

Why Two Perspectives Are Better Than One

We gain more perspective by getting outside our comfort zone, meeting new people, and learning new things. At the same, we amp up our empathy. But there are times when empathy doesn’t factor into the human equation:

“We just finished our first meeting so you might like to join us for the next one. Well, maybe not as you can see, we’re much younger than you.”

“She’s been around a long time. Honestly, our ideas are way better. Why doesn’t she just let us take over?”

Then there is silence in a working group. Every once in awhile, heads pop up from their screens with wide-eyed stares and still not a word is spoken.

Can’t we find some common ground to collaborate and value our differences? Claire Kennedy, Chair of the Governing Council of the University of Toronto in her convocation message at St. Michael’s College this November, “This is the time when the world urgently needs more grace.”

Perspective and Grace

How do we gain more perspective? One way is to get outside your comfort zone. In my previous post, getting outside your comfort zone means overcoming fear, a work-in-progress.

Standing in the queue at the grocery store recently, a Millennial was in front of me. She turned and greeted me. We had met last year at an ideas summit. We ended up comparing notes on swim lessons which left me inspired, having learned a new strategy on how to overcome my fear of water. Her name is “Grace”. The world urgently needs more grace.

Perspective and Kindness

George Sanders teaches creative writing at Syracuse University. His debut novel “Lincoln in the Bardo” won the 2017 Man Booker Prize. In “Congratulations … By the Way – Some thoughts on Kindness” based on his convocation address for the Class of 2013 at Syracuse University, Professor Saunders is haunted by his memory of a new kid in his 7^th Grade named “Ellen” and why to this day, he still remembers her. His two “million-dollar questions” were:

“Why aren’t we kinder?

Apparently, we have these three “built-in confusions”:

“We’re central to our universe.” Our story is the only story, the only one that matters.
“We’re separate from the universe.” – There’s “Us” and then the rest of them.
“We’re permanent.” – You’re going to die but not me.

OK Millennial. OK Boomer.

“How do we become kinder?”
“Kindness is hard. … Becoming kinder happens naturally with age. As we get older, we come to see how useless it is to be selfish… We get our butts kicked and people come to the rescue and we’re not that separate, and we don’t want to be. Most people, as they age, become less selfish and more loving.”

OK Boomer. OK Millennial.

To the graduating class of 2013 (still Millennials), George Saunders ended his speech: “Your life is going to be a gradual process of becoming kinder and more loving: Hurry up. Speed it along. Start right now.”

Why? Because the world needs more “Grace”.

One thing Warren Buffet can’t buy on Amazon on Black Friday – time

Photo Credit: Jean Chow

Black Friday is no ordinary Friday. Big box retailers like Amazon are having the “biggest ever Black Friday” starting one week in advance, of course. Although it’s Prime Time on Amazon, Warren Buffet, the highly successful investor, and us ordinary folks would be hard pressed to buy time. So “I better be careful with it (time). There is no way I will be able to buy more time”, Buffett cautioned his friend, Bill Gates, in their 2018 interview.

Billionaires, Gates and Richard Branson, believe we need to “schedule time to just dream and think freely.” As a non-billionaire, I schedule my dream time efficiently – while I am dreaming. Clarity comes often just before I open my eyes. Allowing our minds to rest and wander gives us access to creativity. Time gives us creativity.

I met Frank O’Dea, co-founder of Second Cup, in 2013 and again in 2018. His struggle with alcohol and abuse is remarkable in “When All you Have is Hope”. In “Do the Next Right Thing – Surviving Life’s Crises”, he outlined the need to:

First find peace.
Draw on a higher power.
Do the next right thing.

Take the time. Time gives us peace.

I once envied youth for all the time they have ahead of them. I urged them to not waste one single second. Of course, they laughed at me. They have all the time in the world, don’t they? Apathy perhaps?

Comfortably past mid-life now, I no longer envy nor worry but watch with wonder the way youth race through life at Mach 9.6 speed. What will they do with all that time on their hands? More importantly, what will time give them? More opportunities? More wisdom, experience? More apathy? (surely not)

Will they meet new people #IRL (in real life)? Will they gain new perspectives by learning from others unlike them? Will they rise like Frank O’Dea when faced with unfathomable struggles? Time will tell.

I’ve met Sandra Shamas . When asked if she is a comedian, she says, “only if they laugh”. “My Boyfriend’s Back and There’s Going to be Laundry” was a big hit. We’re the same age. I borrowed a math “quiz” from her Show while making not too fine a point about the value of mentorship and experience. “How much time do we have left to live?” I had asked during a keynote for a bewildered group of aspiring entrepreneurs a few years ago.

We’ve got 30 years if our stars align properly. Sandra had asked: “What’s that in days?” 10,950 days, not a heck of lot. Try hours? 262,800 hours. Really? 15,768,000 minutes. 946,080,000 seconds, yep, that’s all we’ve got.

Looking back 30 years, I was the same age as they were that day. I asked them how many years separated us. 30 years. I then asked them to reflect on their lives so far and what they hoped to accomplish in the next 30 years. I asked them to think about how many more stories they would have to tell in another 30 years.

Then I shared with them a quote from Lubna Olayan now the first Chairwoman of a Saudi bank and one of the most powerful and influential women in the world according to TIME, Forbes, and Fortune. In “Fortune September 2015 , she said: “The more challenges you face in life, the more of life you experience – this lived experience gives one the “influence” to impact others’ lives.”

As mentors and mentees across the generations, we would make time to listen to understand one another instead of dismissing ourselves as Millennials and Boomers. We might learn something from one another that might help us save time. Anyone need more time?

Time gives us opportunities to share our experience and knowledge. Lifelong learning takes a long time, a life time. regardless of our age. Why not collaborate and co-create? Time is ticking so we best start now. #cometogether

We the (Aging) People

We’re not dead. Yet. My student and I were walking when suddenly a young person approached us from behind with a question, “What’s a boomer?”

He had eavesdropped on our discussion about technology and its impact on Boomers. He doesn’t know? Ouch!

“Ask your parents … or maybe your grandparents.” I winced. “Boomers” is another cohort like “Millennials” or “Gen Zers”. Got it?”

He nodded, “I had no idea.”

We’re not dead yet. Or are we? I started to wonder. From his perspective, we’ve already left and forgot to close the door on our way out. Not so fast. Here’s what the experts say:

On Perspective

Daniel H. Pink is the author of best-selling business books about motivation and sales: “Drive”, “To Sell is Human” and “When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing. His TED Talk on motivation has more than 20 million views.

In his 2016 commencement address at Georgetown University, he opens with a 20-second social experiment on perspective-taking which I cite in our “Fearless Networking: Connecting Creatively & Confidently” workshop.

Pink cautions us at the end of his social experiment that as we grow in our career, we gain more power and we tend to lose our perspective-taking ability. We should argue like we’re right but listen like we’re wrong. And don’t believe we’re the smartest person in the room because we’ve just shown that we’re not.

Valuing the differences is the essence of synergy-the mental, the emotional, the psychological differences between people. And the key to valuing those differences is to realize all people see the world, not as it is, but as they are.” ~ Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

“The world urgently needs more grace.” Ms. Claire M. C. Kennedy, Chair of the Governing Council of the University of Toronto as she addressed the convocation yesterday at University of St. Michael’s College.

On Empathy

Standing in the queue at the grocery store Friday night, a young woman in front of me turned and said she knew me. We met last year at ICA’s “Idea Summit” on inclusivity, diversity, and equity. We swapped stories about our fear of water and swimming. She has her Swim 1 and 2. I’m still at Swim 0. She offered invaluable insights, tips, and her perspective on how she overcame her fear. Inspired, I thanked her and what do you know, her name is “Grace”! “The world urgently needs more grace.”

I have a deep appreciation of art but I cannot draw, not even a crooked line, so I took an art sampler from the Art Gallery of Ontario. In one afternoon, our dedicated instructors took us through the painful steps of beginner sculpting, printmaking, drawing, and water colour painting.

An artist's perspective — Auguste Rodin – The Cathedral

Moving from station to station, we gathered our mini-art projects and I wondered if mine deserved fridge magnets but sadly, no. However, I managed to sharpen my perspective-taking ability especially during sculpting. My struggle to mold and shape the clay into an egg helped me appreciate all the labour that Auguste (Rodin) must have expended to achieve mastery.

On Kindness

George Sanders teaches creative writing at Syracuse University. His debut novel “Lincoln in the Bardo” won the 2017 Man Booker Prize. He is included in Time list of the one hundred most influential people in the world.

In “Congratulations … By the Way – Some thoughts on Kindness” based on his Class of 2013 convocation address at his university, Professor Saunders shares a poignant story about a new kid named “Ellen” in his 7^th Grade and why to this day, he still remembers her.

George Saunders Congratulations By the Way Some Thoughts on Kindness — Some thoughts on Kindness for Graduates

He also asks:

“Why aren’t we kinder?

Apparently we have three “built-in confusions”:

“We’re central to our universe.” Our story is the only story that matters.

“We’re separate from the universe.” – There’s “Us” and then the rest of them.

“We’re permanent.” – You’re going to die but I’m not me.

2. “How do we become kinder?”

Professor Saunders: “Kindness is hard. … Becoming kinder happens naturally with age. As we get older, we come to see how useless it is to be selfish… We get our butts kicked and people come to the rescue and we’re not that separate and we don’t want to be. Most people, as they age, become less selfish and more loving.” Right, Boomers?

I’ll admit I am full of envy whenever I’m talking to someone half my age. They have so much more ahead of them, so many opportunities, and so many days left. I remind them how fortunate they are. Time is on their side. George Saunders (and I) want them to know that “your life is going to be a gradual process of becoming kinder and more loving: Hurry up. Speed it along. Start right now.”

Because the world needs more “Grace”.

Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?

Where would I be without My Millennials? They give me the down low on what’s dope and what’s not. They’re amused because I’m on IG (Instagram) Stories. They taught me. In fact, I consider myself lucky to call them my friends.

But I struggle with what is known as “FOMO” – Fear of Missing Out. Why do Millennials wait until the last minute to make commitments? To dig deeper, I took a poll, not in Instagram Stories, but IRL (in real life).

The Value of Time

“Time” means now, immediate and imminent, for Millennials. Fuelled by FOMO, they race through multiple “what if” scenarios. What if I commit now? What do I have to give up? What if I hedge and wait a bit longer? What if something better comes along?

But decisions, big and small, will be made…or sometimes not. If analysis paralysis creeps in, they are left with only a default position which is far from ideal. By not making decisions, they allow the universe to unfold as it should.

The Speed of Time

It’s hard to not be part of the “arms race” – fast, faster, fastest. We want the fastest or be the fastest “fill-in-the-blank” in the world.

My Millennial takes his multi-tasking mantra to the max. He “reads” (listens) “books” (audio) at 2.5 times the speed of normal speech while doing his chores at home happily listening to a voice like “Alvin the Chipmunk” chirping away in his ears. Millennials love multi-tasking.

The Perception of Time

Reacting at a rapid pace, a swift swipe right or left means everything is urgent and everything is important to Millennials. Nothing is not urgent. Nothing is not important. After 30 years, Stephen R. Covey’s “Time Management Matrix” (“The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”) has been downsized from four quadrants to two halves. Time seems infinite for Millennials.

And The End of Time

What’s urgent and important to My Gen has become very urgent and very important. We pause to reflect and then react. Paradoxically, by not having much time left, we take more time in deciding how we want to fill our calendars with what matters most to us.

We all want time to be on our side. We contemplate the past and plan for the future. Or we can use our time wisely now and not let it use us. According to Mo Gawdat, former Chief Business Officer, Google (X), “Life is now and now is amazing.” Agree?